National Infertility Awareness Week.

Photo ( April and Christian in oct of 2004 )

National Infertility Awareness Week.

This week is a week to bring awareness to Infertility. Many couples like my self are faced with the fact that having a baby just dont come easy. It is a roller coaster of emotions for many men and woman. One in eight couples suffers from the pain of infertility. Many will suffer in silence many will not speak of the pain they are going through . infertility affects the reproductive systems of both women and men infertility is defined as the inability of couples to achieve pregnancy after 1 year. Some couples will seek out help some will be blessed with there Miracle babies. Some Will go through miscarriage’s or still birth some may never be blessed at all with children. It is so heart braking to face.

Since this is infertility week I would share a part of my own story.

Many of you all ready know part of my own story.  But i will share it again in hopes that some of it may help another couple who is faced with what i have been.

My journey started in 2004 i was 24 and newly married excepting my first baby I was so happy and could not wait to tell people. Sadly at about 5 weeks in to it we lost our sweet baby. we tried again but it took 10 months before i would find out again and yet again at 5 weeks i lost the baby.

Once again my husband and I tried but this time it did not happen after about 1 year my family doctor had me see a fertility Doctor. This was so hard for me to admit to my family doctor that we had tried for well over a year and could not have a child. she was so kind and loving to me.

We started to see the fertility doctor in 2006. We talked over a few treatments and cost of those treatments that no medical insurance would cover the cost of it. It of course would pay for me to see the doctor and cover all exams i needed and some not all of the test i needed at only 26 years old all of this seemed like a lot to deal with.

She started me on 2 diffrent drugs and told me we could end up with twins or more she wanted to be sure that i was ok with more then one baby. Of course i said YES it would be grate to have twins or even more.

My medical insurance of course would not pay for the drugs so we paid out of pocket for them my husband had 2 Jobs at the time so we could afford to cover the cost of these drugs.

We would buy the Home test we had days when we thought this was it for sure and we would test only to find out the test was negative each time was painful to me i felt like my body was failing me i felt i was failing my husband I felt so angery so bitter so sad so mad.

I started to lose all Faith that it would even happen for us. SO many Questions of WHY ? Why me did i do somthing so wrong God would not give us a child ? Little by little My faith started to go lower. every one around us was having babies so why was my body doing this why was it failing me ?

a 3rd drug was added in to the mix i was told it would help things along of course all the added hormone’s i feel damaged my body. I started to have a lot of pain in the lower tummy from these drugs it felt like sharp pain.

My husband and I talked if we should still stay on them. it was nothing to do with the money at all through it did cost a good amount and my husband was working 2 Jobs to make this happen. But we felt the drugs just simply was not working for us we had been on them for months and my body felt so out of place I felt strong pains in my Womb.

It had dawn on me she never tested my husband to make sure all was ok on his end. So we had to fight her on it this doctor seem to be all about money and didnt care much for us. She did test my husband but said he had some kind of infection and he would need to go on meds to clear this up and get a re test for it of course this was also all out of pocket.

It is not cheep when you add it all up.  How ever we did not care about the money part of it all if it ment in the end we had a little Miracle in our Arms.

i of course did stay on the three drugs for a little longer but when the pain kept hitting me hard in my womb I made the choice of going off all 3 of the drugs i told the doctor they simply was not working for us.

She said the next step for us was to go see a doctor in Iowa city. and to try IVF and she told me this would cost a lot of money so of course we told her we wanted to go off the treatments and for a while see what happens before we try the IVF.

in the mean time the pain i was in was a lot we had to fight her to do a Dye test.  she found a lot of cyst and what she said was tumors when i asked what she plan to do about them she said Nothing becasue you guys cant afford it. At this point i told her we wanted somthing done about this pain of course she did not care.

It was so emotional i felt as if she only cared for those who could pay for the higher treatments and test. And not about me.

My husband and I went home we tried again on our own for 2 more years i can not express to you the bitterness that grew in my heart the pain the hurt of it all i wanted to just give up on it all. My husband had Faith he told me it would happen when it was ment to happen. But all i could do when my husband was at work and not around was cry. I cried so much i could not cry any more.

We had countless of times where  i missed my period we waited for few weeks then tested only to get a negative test I felt so mad why could i not have a baby why is my body failing, My body was maid to carry life to give birth to a baby and yet my body was not doing any of this i felt like we had no Answers as to why this happen to us ?

When i see woman with there babies my heart broke because i longed to hold my own baby. i felt so alone in all of my feelings. And i know my husband who was strong for me was feeling so broken inside as well he wanted to be a daddy so much it hurt him i could see it in his eyes.

In many cases this is enough to brake any couple up because they do not know how to cope with this or how to cope with it together many days i got mad as he had such strong faith and mine was so weak i could not see past my own pain. i lacked to see the love my husband had even through it effected him just as much. i grew a bitter heart.

It was in 2008 that made the choice to switch OBYGN doctors to a doctor i trusted he had delivered 2 of my nephews and now grate niece he was one amazing doctor He looked over the report from the last doctor and he said first of all she should never put you on those three drugs until she tested your husband first then she should had done a dye test first she should had done a ultrasound and other test before ever putting you on those drugs.

He said i looked over this dye test and what i am seeing is not a tumor and i am not sure about those cyst. So he wanted to do a   laparoscopy to look in to my , uterus   So of course i said yes. This thank God was covered we did not have to pay for this how ever if i had to i would have done so in a heart beat. 

After i had the laparoscopy when i was still in recovery room he came back and smiled he said nope there was no tumors he then said my tubes had been twisted from the miscarriage i had in 2005. so he un twisted my tubes he said most people do find they become pregnant right away if we did not we would come back to speak about the next step going in for IVF.

This time i felt good about things i felt like there was Hope after all. When we took the home test it came out postive i was so shocked that i took 3 more just to be sure. In deed we was excepting  We was so happy i thought for sure this was our moment our rainbow baby.

due to the loss of the first to at 5 weeks i felt it best not tell any one until around 4 months my husband agreed i just wanted to be sure this baby would be ok. It was hard keeping it in and not telling no one so we ended up telling 1 person who was so happy for us

I got a home Doppler and listen to her heart beat each day it was so strong I talked to my baby i told her to stay safe that mommy loved and needed her so very much. i had back pains and morning sickness kicked in food cravings she was growing every day.

then  at about 14 and half weeks along i lost my mucus plug and my waters broke. Rebekah Faith Elizabeth Davis-lorey was born on Oct.11.08 she was so small but so very sweet. My heart was once again broken i felt like i had failed Rebekah and my husband i failed my self.

We Found out i had a bleeding disorder and Rebekah Faith could never had lived through the stress put on to her. In fact no baby could live.

Call me selfish but i felt like we needed to try again right away.  and once again we found out we was excepting he had such a strong heart beat i told him momma wanted to meet him so he had to be safe he had to be ok i talked to him much like with his sister i asked him to stay safe.

Everything Seem to be going very well with him i had no real issues he seemed very active with in me He liked to stay up at nights and only craved Candy with this one i knew then he must be like his daddy.

On Easter Sunday April 12th 2009 once again my mucus plug came then my waters broke I placed my own hand under my self and at just 12 and half weeks along i delivered my own son he was so small. Gabriel Andrew Davis-Lorey was born small around 1030 am. I then was rushed to the Hospital where i bleed for over 12 or 14 hours i lost count but my husband said he counted the hours. They refused to do the D&C at that time. Gabriels head was missing part of his brain he was very flat we found out i had a tumor that was smashing down on him.

We set up a visit right away with my OBYGN he said a D&C would need to happen So he got us in one the next day.  He said he had found lots of Cyst and at this time what he felt was a bnine tumor ( meaning no cancer ) he said we could keep trying on our own or do IVF or go another route one that would cost us so much money.  We made the choice to not put my body through anything more.  I knew Gabe was my last baby in my heart.  around a few weeks before Gabriels 1st birthday in heaven.

i Lost a lot of blood so much blood they had to give me 2 pints of blood My husband said i got so light headed and past out hitting my head hard on side of tube. I ended up bleeding many hours.

My obygn ordered another D&C to be done and i had it. The doctor him self called me and gave me the news the tumors inside of my womb was in deed Cancer he had me come right in to his office to speak of the next steps. Part of the reason i got it was being over weight but also all the Hormones that was in my body from the treatments trying to help us to have a baby.

I Cried and not out of fear of not knowing my stage of cancer i did not cry for the fact i had cancer i cried because i knew i would never have that child i longed so much to have.

The next steps for me was surgery a few days after my son gabes birthday i had major surgery to remove the cancer that means all was removed.  I was stage 1 but grade 2 my tumor was the size of a foot ball i was told.  i would under go cancer treatments  once my body was healed   from the major cancer treatments  so 2 months later i started cancer treatments.

I wont go in to details of the cancer but as of July 2010 i went in to Remission and as of July 2015 i was told i was Cancer free.

Now here i am 11 years after my sons birth and death 10 years after my major cancer.

I will never have my own child my babies live in heaven i will see them again i am  momma just in a diffrent way.  I no longer in bitter in fact i rejoice with woman who have there miracle or who has there rainbow baby it makes my heart so happy to see these sweet babies.

But that dont mean i do not have strong feelings i still have pain i think 10 years from now we should be grandparents i also think of when we dye it will be the end of our line who is gonna remeber me ? who will all my stuff go to when i die.

I have a lot of lost dreams. Watching my daughters grow up and taking them to dance class to watch my sons grow up taking them to base ball games to holding them in my arms to here mama for the 1st time kiss those skin nees watching there first time at school, taking them to church watching the first time they walked or talked high school prom 1st cars there first love there wedding days and grandbabies

We lost out on all this and so much more.  people tell you to go off and adopt but it dont work that way i have to many health Issues they dont give kids out nore do we have the money for it. the pain still fills my heart but i am not as bitter over it no longer

Here is a few things to NEVER say to a couple who is facing Infertility  because it can damage and hurt them.  even if you did not mean it that way.

#1 You two need to work on starting a family soon. 

#2 Have you thought of adoptions ? 

#3 sorry you miscarried but at least you know you can become pregnant

#4  It seems like it is taking you both forever to start a family maybe you should think about seeing a better doctor. 

#5 have you tried IVF or other treatments ? 

#6 maybe Gods plan is for you to Not have a baby 

#7  Maybe if you lost weight you could have a baby. 

#8 Is it your fault or your husbands fault have they tested him ? 

#9 Well if God wanted it to happen it would had he must not want you to have a child so just be Happy because he has better things a head. 

#10 well now you can just save as you dont have to pay for the treatments no more. # 11 you all ready have an adopted child it is selfish to keep trying for a baby when others cant even adopt.

#12 You have all ready have 1 child be happy some dont even have that.

#14 Your a step parent so in away you do have children.

#15 you have babies in heaven even if they cant be here it is selfish to keep trying when you lost to many babies its unfair to them as well as your husband.

# 16 You need to get over this and move on with your life.

#17 there is more to life then just babies.

#18 Maybe you would be a bad mom that is why God wont give you babies your womb has not been blessed .

#19 You just did not have Enough Faith in God to work a miracle.

#20  Maybe God is sparing you from a baby with life long medical issues so just be blessed with what you got in life. 

 

( these are some of the stuff other moms along with me has heard from many.  )

 

 The list could go on. What the couples need is much support and not judgement they need a ear not advice . some one they can cry with and vent to.

There is a high suicidal risk among infertile Woman sadly and even the men. Some may have never acted on this feeling but many sadly have and lost there battle.

Many Couples end up braking up because they can not cope and dont know how to work together through the pain of being infertile

Even through I had all removed and its been 11 years i still go through the pain. The feeling of wanting to be a mom or a dad will never fully go away the pain of all you went through will never leave you.

My journey Is not the same as others we are all on our own Journey and path in life. Many of you will like me suffer misarrange or  Still birth. Many will never know what it is like to feel life with in them. But they will have A door open for them to adopt a baby.

Many Like my self Will end up with cancer of the womb and end up having to remove all and like me they will find them self’s with empty arms empty dreams and crushed like me.

Many of you will End up having your Rainbow babie the hope after the storm.

Many of you after many failed test and Many IVF treatments find your self having a miracle baby.

You See Each of us has a story to be told each of us have a diffrent Journey but one thing that ties us all together is the pain, the hurt , the bitterness the longing to hold our babies in our arms to be mothers to be Fathers the roller coaster of mixed emotions this bounds each and every one of us together.

Just because my story if trying for a baby is over Dont mean i dont hurt becasue i do.

My words to each of you who is still fighting your battles.

Never Give up Hope becasue it can happen. keep trying and when you feel tried and run down from all the failed test and all the treatments failing you. Allow your body to take a brake. Pamper your self take a nice bubble bath go get your nails done and just take time for you Breath in and out.  it will be ok.

Also Take time for each other take time to love on each other to support each other to pray for each other and to have date nights dont feel guilty this will help you both grow together as a couple  do not lose sight of each other or the love you share . Reach out and speak with some one dont carry your pain inside. i been there many times and its not healthy.

I wont tell you every one gets the rainbow baby i wont lie to you becasue truth is not every one will get a baby, But many of you will and i would love to rejoice with those who get there rainbow or miracle child i would love to support you in that.

But I also want to be a support for woman like my self who never will have a child so please reach out to me if you need to talk or vent i am here i always will be here for each of you.

So here is just part of my very long story i may share more later on. but for now ill end here with my story.

May god bless and keep you all may you all be blessed and may we see many miracle and rainbow babies being born this year. but may we also be kind on the woman like me who wont have there dreams come true it is a very dark and lonely road to walk down

So please be kind to the couples around you

May god bless each of you

Please feel free to share this with others

God bless

April Marie Davis-Lorey

 

Faith in times of Cancer.

Faith in times of Cancer.

Not to long ago we lost a deer sister to Lung cancer. Beth Chapman ( wife of Dog the bounty hunter ) she was only 51 years old.  Each time we lose some one to this Monster it makes me go back over my own Journey with Cancer. I feel blessed because I am still on this earth but I also feel pain and hurt for the one who did not beat it.

A few years back another sister lost her battle with ovarian Cancer ( Joey Feek ) somthing both Rory and Dog now have in common both of them lost there beauitful wives at a young age to cancer. I do often wonder why some beat and win the battle yet others like Joey and Beth do not. It is somthing I most likey will never have the answer to.

When I first was diagnosed with Cancer of the womb I felt Fear. When your doctor tells you that you have Cancer your first thought is Am I going to die ?  This is how the mind always works. the 2nd fear for me was What will my husband do if I do die from this ?

And my main thought was will I be able to have children ? I had lost all my babies due to miscarriage. I was 29 and wanted children I cried because I had a fear of never having children or giving my husband a child.

I also felt I had be go in to this being strong. not so much strong for my self but strong for my husband and family.  I also felt if I was weak I would not be able to beat this.

The above graphic I made was of Joey, Beth and my self what do all 3 of us woman have in common ? We each had been told we had Cancer. But all three of us also had a strong Faith in God we all three trusted in God for our healing.

When I first found out I had cancer a Lady spoke to me she had told me that God would change my heart that I would have a heart for those who had cancer. That he would use me to be there for them to pray with and for them.  That I would reach many woman.

She spoke the truth. Yes Beth and Joey both was famous woman they was known in the Public eye. But I did not once see that I never looked at them as being famous or in the public eye. I saw them Both as WOMAN as a HUMAN  Both who was fighting a battle the same battle I my self had to fight and my heart went out to them I prayed for them for God’s Healing over them I keep up to date on them as much as I could.

When both of them lost there battle my heart was broken Yet both was strong in my eyes they both put up a good fight. Like me they both had a faith in Jesus. And maybe that is what drew me to them the fact they both had a strong Faith in Jesus. The fact both of them had such amazing Good hearts and a strong love for there family.

I have noticed since finding out I my self had cancer my heart has changed For all woman who are also facing Cancer of course my heart is with the men and boys who have cancer to but God has given me such a strong heart for woman and girls who have cancer.

I will never forget when I first found out I had cancer the Fear I had yet the strong Faith my husband had. He had such a strong faith I would beat this that God was going to heal me he was my rock he took such good care of me. When my Faith was weak My husbands was so strong. he was so sure that I would beat this.

Slowly my Faith became strong I knew I could either be strong in God and trust him with my life or I could get mad upset or angery with him and run far from my Faith.

Trust me I had thoughts go through my mind Like what have I done that was so bad that God allowed me to get cancer ?  Why me ?  You always here story’s of others who get Cancer but you never think You will be the one setting on the other end of the phone finding out you had cancer. It happens to other people right but you never think it would happen to you until it does.

It is in that very moment that you have to reach deep down inside of you and put your Life in Gods hands and also in the doctors hands it is no longer in your own hands.

No mater if you do everything to be healthy eat all the right food stay away from all of the bad foods listen to all the doctors you can still get Cancer.

Cancer does not discriminate It dont mater if you are young or old. If your healthy or your not. If your a old person or if your just a child. Cancer can hit any one at any moment. and No one will ever be ready when it does hit you.

I choose to put my Faith in God to trust he would heal me to trust he would get me to all the right doctors. I lived I beat cancer because GOD worked and moved in my own life.

You see I was seeing another OBYGN ( I wont name names ) but she made everything about trying to have a baby she only cared about the money when we stopped paying for fertility treatments because it was starting to be way to costly She stopped caring.

When we told her I was in a lot of pain in my ovary’s and my womb  She didnt care she just said well you can not afford fertility treatments so I cant do nothing to help at this point. How ever she did end up doing a dye test it showed a tumor and at that point she again bought up the money and said nothing she could do she was going to just leave me like that she said it was not cancer anyways at that point.

I felt so alone in this I was mad at this woman. Somthing inside of me recalled the doctor who delivered both of my nephews So I gave him a call and he got me in right away I underwent more testing he had to untwist my tubes. I went on to have 2 more babies Both of them Rebekah and Gabriel who I lost. When I lost Gabriel I bleed out a lot. I had a tumor that smashed down on my son. at this point he also did not think it was cancer.

a year later I bleed out was rushed to the doctor and had 2 paints of blood transfusion He acted fast and did a D&C we of course went home after and 2 or 3 days gone by He called me up him self most doctors have the nurse call so I knew somthing was wrong when he him self called

He said Honey I got bad news but I do not want you to be worried I want you to come in to see me. Then he said we found a very big tumor and this Tumor inside of you is Cancer of the womb. You also have cyst all over the overys and inside of the womb.

Not only did my doctor care about me but when we got in to see him he got me in to the best obstetrician-gynecologist in the state of Iowa he wanted to be sure I was in Good hands he moved fast. After Major surgery my OBYGN came to the Hospital just to check up on me and make sure I was ok I can say that no doctor does that so I was very blessed to have this OBYN as my doctor. Sadly a few years ago He past away But I will never forget how God worked and moved and Got me to the right doctors at the right time.

I give God all of the credit for having me change OBYGN and having him get me in to the best doctor in the date of Iowa at that time. God worked in ways I could not have my self.

Once I had the full hysterectomy to remove the cancer even then we did not know how bad the cancer was or was not. We had to wait for the test to come back from Path. So while I set in the Hospital recovering I could feel the fear coming in to my mind what if it is worse then they thought ? will I need Chemo ? will my hair fall out will I have radiation treatment ? if so what type and for how long ? will I die ?

I was on the cancer floor for 4 days I came home but became weak and sick and ended up back in the Hospital another 3 days Any one who has cancer can tell you from the moment they say Cancer you feel like a Lab rat lots of test and blood test will be done before and after Surgery to remove cancer.

as we waited for the test to come back from my tumor I prayed to God I built my faith up I leaned on Him I wanted to Live I did not want to die I was 29 years old. I was still so young I had a lot of living to do.

Then came the day we had to go in to find out the news the test had came back. I was stage 1 but Grade B my tumor was a lot bigger then they thought he said it was the size of a Foot ball. Being stage 1 was Good but because of how big it was and the fact I was grade B I needed radiation Treatments.

When I asked him what my chances was it would come back if I did Not have the radiation He said it is a 50/50 chance it would come back he said How ever your at a much higher risk for the cancer to come back and that if it was him he would do the radiation Because then it was only a 10 to 20% chance of it to return and that is a lot better then 50% So of course I did the radiation Treatments I had the strongest dose of radiation that they could give a person I went home the same day of treatments But I was a little sick to the tummy on days I had my treatments.

After treatments I was told I was in Remission of my cancer I would go in every 3 months for the 1st year for test and CT scans after that I moved to every 6 months for the first 5 years and at 5 years out I was told I was now Cancer Free. I now only have to go every year for test.

Each time you walk in to the Cancer center there is still that worry in the back of your head what if it comes back and what if this time it will be far worse ? The I Remeber I need to put my faith in GOD I need to trust him it wont and I been healed.

I am in a group on face book with woman who have the same cancer I had one woman was 10 years out and cancer free but her cancer came back this time it was in the colon and it was stage 4  and sadly we lost her a year or so ago so Yes it always does play on ones mind.

One thing I can say is GOD has helped me to look at life in a new way Every sunset I see every Sunrise, A flower a newborn baby a bird. My husband or fur babies I thank GOD for LIFE I thank GOD that I got a 2nd chance to live every day I wake up is a new day a Gift from God.

As I write this I am about to see my Cancer doctor for my yearly test so of course it is on my mind again But I trust GOD that I will have Good news.

I dont understand why Beth or Joey or that woman in my group lost there live to there Battle Why they was in remission of cancer  But it came back and when it came back it was much worse then before for Beth, Joey and that other woman It makes my heart hurt and it reminds me that we are not promised a tommrow.

It also reminds me that no mater how strong my faith in God my cancer could also come back. through I trust it wont. One thing I do know is I never blamed God for my cancer I may have Question why ? but I am a human we are all humans I never blamed him that Beth or Joey died But I did ask why ?

It is Not god who made us sick. I think when he saw Joey and he saw Beth or he saw that other woman he knew they was growing tried that the Cancer had now took over the Body and so He did Heal him not in the way you or me wished he had on earth But the moment they walked through Heavens gates they was healed.

I am sure that Heaven is such a Beauitful place one we all hope to make it to a place where there is no more pain no more hurt no more tears And if we are in Christ Jesus we will all make it there one day. I am sure Beth and Joey are healed I am sure that they are at peace though we on this earth hurt for there loss we are heart broken and those who have suffered with cancer hurt so much more because we cant understand why we made it but they did not. and we will never have those answers I am sure.

My heart is with the woman who are fighting I dont care if your in the public eye or not My heart goes out to each and every one of you woman I will stand with you in prayer and trust Jesus for your healing.

I pray One day we will find a cure for all cancer so that we never have to lose another one to this Monster so that another person dont have to fight and battle this cancer.

If you find your self at the end of the phone call like I did finding out you have Cancer I am sure you are going to go through a lot of those same thoughts I did and feelings.  Mad Anger scared and being in fear. But please know you are not alone a lot of us have been there and a lot of us will pray for you.

I  Encourage you to reach out to groups for the same type of cancer you have there is also message boards on American cancer society That can help as it helped me. It helps to talk to others who have been there they will help you in your battle and fight. Please reach out do not think you have got to go through this scary time in your life alone.

also I encourage you to put all your faith in Gods hands Even if you feel weak like you are running low of Faith just Cry out to God tell him all of your worries all of your fears Tell him how upset you are talk to God like he is your Friend and lean on God because it is FAITH and GOD that is going to help you get through this time it is God who loves you so much and it is him who will never leave you he is by your side always even in the hardest time of your life.

Please reach out to me if you need a friend to be there to pray with you. Because I will be there for you your not alone at all.

My prayer for you today

Dear heavenly Father I ask for you to be with all those who find them selfs battling this Monster we call cancer Lord you know them you know there hearts you know how hard it is to battle this you know all of our worries and our fears. Lord I ask for you to bring people in to there life who will be of a grate Support to them to help them through this time. I ask for you lord to guide them all to the right doctors who will work fast to help them.  I ask you father to trust in you to put there Faith in you. I ask you to Most of all Heal there bodies from this Cancer Lord for you to give them a 2nd chance at Life like you did me. I ask for you to use them and there cancer story to help others who also are facing cancer.

And father I ask for you to be there for families who have lost there loved one to this monster for you to bring comfort and peace to them I ask Father for a CURE for all cancer  We out our lives in your hands. Thank you for loving us for warping us up in your arms for never leaving us and staying beside us as we fight the battle.

In Jesus name we pray AMEN.

May God bless and be with each of you

April Lorey.

 

Strength in times of weakness

Have you ever had a moment where you felt weak in your walk with Christ ? It is just hard to find your Strength and you wonder to your self if God even cares about you ? I think as Christians we have all walked down this path in life.

The past few years I find my self weak with all that I been dealing with some days it can seem like you have so much on your plate. In the past few years I been dealing with a lot of on going Medical issues that have brought me down. I also have been dealing with Loss it all started in 2004 when my Hero the glue of our family died My dad. we then have suffered though multiple pregnancy losses and faced Cancer head on knowing my Dream could never come true.

in 2011 My brother Chris took his own life and in 2018 my 19 year old Nephew took his Life we have had multiple more losses along the way as well. And yes we even faced some financial down falls along the way.

My Dad use to say when it rains it pours ( meaning when one bad thing hits then multiple other bad things will hit ) but he would go on to say how ever God will always provide our every need even if it dont happen how we would had like  And he was right this holds very much true.

How ever  Some times when we face so much in our life it is easy to Lose our faith it is easy to find our self Questioning God on why things have happen it is easy to fall in to a state of Depression, it is when we are in this state we can find it hard to praise God or to even pray to him. Yet when things go right for us good things it is so easy to praise him and thank Him to go to him in good times.

But God wants us to come to him even when things are bad in our darkest and weakest moments in Life.  He all ready knows our needs even before we know our own Needs. But he loves when we come to him.

I know how hard it is how ever to bring all our needs all our worries and our stresses to him when we are Questioning our Faith and we at times even Question him. We can sink in to a state of Depression and feel like no one around us even cares we can even feel he dont at times.

we need to be very careful when in this state because if we do not feed our souls on his words if we stop praying the enemy will come in and start to feed us nothing but Lies. Lies that can hurt us and leave us so damage inside and so broken. The Devil was once an angel he can sneak in when we are weak when we stay away from Our heavenly Father to long.

John 10:10 New International Version (NIV)
10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

He comes to Steal and destroy even Kill us But God comes to give us Life so that we might live it to the fullest.

God understands our pain, our worries our stresses he understands that at times we may lack in Faith because we are after all Human. It is ok to not be ok as humans we will always have a lot going on in our life that will make is stray away from him and his word his ways.

But we must not allow our self’s to stay Stuck in the pit in the dark place we must not give the Devil a reason to walk right through that door and kill us.

The father says he will neve leave us he will stay right beside us even when we seem so far away He is right beside us waiting on us with his arms open wide as any father would be to his children.

Our Strength comes from God He will give us Strength in times of weakness. I would Encourage every one to read just a little in the Bible each day even if your weak moments even when you are so down and you think you are to a point of no Return and to Pray tell God your worries tell him of your stresses your pain your hurt tell him why you are angry some times just having a Good cry does help.

When we stay in his word he will help re new our Strength he will guide and lead us and this will leave no place for the Devil to come in to our home.

In life we are going to face a lot we will have good times of course but we are also going to have real bad and hard times as well. Some one once told me it is when we are down in the pit when we praise God this is the highest Praise we can give to God.

So if you are like me and you find your self there many times as I have Just give your all to Christ it only takes a small Mustered seed of Faith. Do not stay stuck in the pit do not allow the Devil to rob you to destroy your Life to take you away from the love of God Do not allow the Devil to have any place in your life or home.

But instead Allow the Love of a loving Father to wrap his arms around you let him lead you guide you and know that Nothing could ever steal his Love from you.

You are a child of God His love for us is forever and his love for us is amazing. how awesome is it that even in our weakest moments our moments of pain or hurt and even when we Question him that he still loves us as any father would ?

Even if you feel that you have failed God and there is no way he could ever love you or welcome you back to his loving arms God still loves you. God made you there is only one YOU and God has a plan for your Life.

so in times of trouble in times of test and trail when you are weak allow God to give you Strength to be your guide.

and Know you are Loved.

I hope that each of you know how much you are loved and that you are never alone God is with you always

May this be a blessing to some one and please feel free to Share with others

God bless

April Lorey.

Faith in times of trail.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”
—Psalm 23:4

As humans and as Christians we all of times of trail and test in our life. God never promised us that this life would be easy. But he did promise he would not leave us he would stay by our side and he would help us through anything we would face or go through in this life.

Have you ever found your self In a place where you have been through so much in life that your very faith was put to test. Where you have felt like you didn’t have Much faith left at all and you questioned God ? If your Answer is yes then you are only Human. We have all been to this place at some point in our life and walk with God in fact you may notice that  you have been there more then once in your life.

We all find out self there. And at times it may only last days or weeks maybe a few months but some times we may find our self stuck there in that place for years because it seems test and trail keep hitting you left and right.

I my self have been there And it seems my Faith is so very weak at the moment. in 2004 i lost my Dad i was with him as he had a heart attack he was only 49 years old. 1 month after i was merried to the love of my life. My world came crashing down. my Hero had left us. it took me some time but I leaned on God to help me through the loss of my Dad I did question why this had happen I still needed my Dad and felt so loss with out him. But God was right there and never left me he took me by the hand and walked me through this time in my life.

My husband and I would go through a lot with the loss of our unborn babes we kept miscarrying My dream was to be a mother and a wife and I felt as if my body had failed me as if I was at fault I could not give the men I loved children I had very little Faith at all to keep trusting in God I was so Mad I would become bitter every time I saw a lady with a baby or who was with child. I question God WHY  Lord why cant I have a baby why do my babies that I carry die with in me why is my body failing me lord ? but with very little Faith I placed my Trust once again in Him as he never left my side.

in 2010 i would be faced with news that would hit me hard My dreams of having children would come to a end I found out i had cancer of the womb the only way to save my own life would be to remove everything. Meaning my dream to have a family with my husband would end. I questioned God i was Mad at God why would he put this dream in my heart only to take this from me ? had i sin so much that he would not allow it to happen for us ? was this in some way my fault ? Did God hate me ? alot went through my Mind but i leaned on Him to help me and He did . He gave me peace and comfort. It does not mean i dont still hurt i do my heart is broke for my dream has been lost. But i made the choice to take Gods hand and to keep going forward with life.

in 2011 I would once again be faced with news that would once again test my very Faith March 26th I got news that my big brother Christopher ( Chris ) had took his own Life This hit me hard at the same time my marriage was going through some real hard things I could not handle any of it I once again got mad at God i question if he had loved me at all Why was all of this happening to me  Chris died 7 years after My dad. When i lost Chris i just wanted to die as well I tried many times to take my own life and i failed at it. I truly thank God i am still on this earth. My husband and I started to see a pastor at church that helped with our marriage. But of course the Loss of my big brother was not easy on me i lost so much faith i wasnt sure if i could ever come fully back to God. But once again God was there he never left me i was in this place for a very long time.

In 2012 I got news my Cousin Donny who was like a baby brother to me growing up had died he was on his Harley-Davidson and got hit he was killed My heart once again felt like Death kept knocking at my door I asked God why does bad things keep happening to me to my family why cant any good thing happen for once Do you not love us or me God ? I question once again God and Yet once again God was right by my side he had never left once again I was stuck in a place for a while with very little to no faith at all. But once again I leaned on his love for me and I knew deep down he loved me as any father Loved his child.

Sep. 2018 My Faith would be put to a very big test My youngest Nephew Joel Nathan Had took a gun and shot him self in the head He was rushed to the Hospitel and was put on to life support. this being 7 years after my brothers sucide. This felt very different through then my brothers I think it is because i was there when Joel was born i held him in my arms. I Remember singing Joel to sleep as i rocked him in my arms as a baby When Joel was just 3 years old i was his teacher at church and I asked if he wanted to invite Jesus in to his heart He said yes i prayed a simple prayer one a little child could understand as Joel repeated  after me he had got saved He was so excited when he walked in to Nursery he kept telling all the teachers that he had excepted Jesus in to his heart.

As a aunt this was one of the greatest Joys in my life. He was so very Happy that day. Joel was such a loving child and as he grew in to a young men he had a heart of Gold like his Grandpa Randy He was so very loving and caring of others As i set at the hospital all of this played out in my mind. I cried and Begged God to heal Joel to let him Live I asked God to not take Him from us. You can go back and read in my Blog post the full story of what had happen.

But on Sep 11th 2018 at age 19 years old.  We knew Joel would not be any better and Life support was pulled Joel was a donor he saved the lifes of 3 people.

Our lifes was once again changed and will forever be changed But once again I found my self with very little faith at all WHY did you do this to us GOD it was with in your power to Heal him to do a miracle why did you NOT Answer our prayers why could you not give us this one Miracle ? why did you take this child from us lord ? I was so mad so angry so upset at GOD. Even now as I write this blog it has only been 5 and half months since we lost Joel. I don’t think my heart will ever understand why this happen But I do know this why we are full of hurt and pain and sad there are 3 different families who is rejoicing that they was given a 2nd chance at life by Joel’s organs he died a Hero .

I still feel like i am in a time of trail Our family has lost so very much and been through so much in this life time. But even now my Faith is little some days i still feel so far from God i still feel like im at a place of Where was you at GOD ?

But God says to me Child i am here I never left you i been right by your side all along i Love you and i will wait as long as i have to for you to return back to me and run in to my arms you been through so much but i still have so much in store for you and planed for your Life. Your Life does matter dont give up keep your faith.

This is what i feel in my heart God saying. I tell you just some of my own trails in hopes that those who are reading will see that all of us go through trail and test in our life some may be harder then others but through out our life on this earth we are going to face many tests and trails that will Question our very Faith.

But here is what God says to us about very little Faith.

Matthew 17:20 New International Version (NIV)
20 He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

As you see  That even a very little Faith as small as a mustard seed Can move mountains Even through we feel we have lost all Faith in God when we think He isnt with us when we feel like we are lost and we could never Come back to him. it only takes faith as small as a mustard seed to grow in our hearts to help us lean on Christ for our Strength And deep down we each have a very small seed of Faith.

That Seed can and will Grow once again if we will tell Stain to back off and lean on God. no mater how long it has been days,weeks,months or even years  God is there with Open arms He will never leave us or forsake us he is there by our side every moment and though we can never understand the reason why bad things happen to us or our in our Life one thing we can understand deep down is that God Loves us we are his children.

There is both Good and evil in this world there is a Devil and his Demons who will be there to try and destory us to rob us of our loved ones and our very lives. But there is also Our father in heaven and his Angels who are there to help us Battle the Demons to help us on our Journey in life to help us to fight and to never Give in or give up.

In Gods word he says this

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”
—Psalm 46:1

God Will give us the strength in our time of trouble to help us he will never leave us in a dark place.

And God will give is Peace.  His world also says

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”
—John 14:27

He wants to give us peace he wants us to have Peace in our hearts and our minds. It is hard right now if you are in trail to see this some times we think that there is No peace for us But if we only will trust God again he can give our hearts peace and he can give us the strength we need to Get to that point in our life.

This don’t mean we will forget what has happen to us or that we will not have pain and be sad over what we gone through it just means we can take Gods hand and go through all of this with Him that we can have peace once again in our life and in our hearts He can use our own Story’s to help others who may be going through the same thing as we have.

So Today if you are in a place of test and trail and you feel like you have no Faith at all. I encourage you to Cry out to GOD to tell him how you feel He understands your pain he understands your anger he understands your heart is broken to a point of no return so lean on him take his hand take his word and know he is always there beside you.

I will leave you with this prayer

Dear Heavenly father i come before you and ask you to help all my brothers and my sisters who are facing a trail or test in there life to have your peace I pray father that you will Give them strength and that you will help there Faith to Grow in you that you will give there hearts peace that you will take there hand and lead them Father to help them raise up to use there broken hearts and trails to help some one who is facing the very same thing they are that together they may Heal what has been broken I pray Father for you to be there with them that they may know you still love them and nothing could ever take that love for them. Lead people to minister to there broken hearts send down your angels to watch over them. We thank you Lord for being there For us in our times of test and trail In Jesus name I pray Amen.

I leave you with these Bible verses.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
—Matthew 5:4

“Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.”
—Psalm 55:22

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
—Romans 8:37-39

Isaiah 40:31 English Standard Version (ESV)
31
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

 

Please feel free to share this blog post

May the Lord bless you

April Marie Davis-Lorey

 

 

 

 

 

2018 Year review.

2018 has been a very difficult year  not only for my self and my family but so many people around us. It has tested my very Faith in God there has been a lot of heart brake. But there has also been Joy. and Love and New friendships I would love to share all of this with you as we look back at 2018.

2018 The year of heart brake and nightmares.

We started out 2018 with excitement to see what the new year would bring our way. We had got excited when we got Tickets to go see Wynonna in concert in May and more tickets to see her in Branson for Nov 4th.

On may 3rd my husband and I would have to say good bye to our beloved fur baby Our cat Bell Grace  she had lost so much weight and in the wee hours of the morning Bell would have 2 seizures and no longer be able to walk. Bell was our first fur baby to raise since we married. She was oh most 13 years old. On may 3rd we said our good byes to our sweet princess and had to have her put to sleep this was so very hard on both my husband and I. our home felt so empty with out her. She was born on 4th of July 2005 the very date and year we had been due to have our 1st baby that I miscarried so you can see Bell was even more deer to our hearts. Helping her cross that rainbow bridge was not a easy thing to do but it was the most loving thing we could do for her.

 

1 week after the loss of Bell we adopted another fur baby a kitten we named her Naomi Grace (  Grace after Bells Middle name to honor Bell )  most would wait but for the sake of our other cat Simon we knew he needed a friend.  Naomi has brought some new joy in to the house hold she is a very sassy little girl but we love her very much. She was born Valentines Day Feb 14th 2018 Like Bell she is a Holiday cat 🙂

Not long after My husband and I went to Sioux city Iowa to see Wynonna it was a nice 2 day get away much needed after the loss of Bell.  Music is a healer and we enjoyed our self’s

Sadly at the start of summer we lost a family Friend of ours it was very unexcepted she had lost her teenage daughter to suicide a few years before and now she had past away and left behind her 2nd daughter My heart was so broken over this. and broken for her daughter who was still so young and needed her mom.

Soon after my husband and I faced a lot of stuff that added so much stress to us I wont go in to details it was privet stuff we was facing. But I had a lot of panic attacks and felt like I could end up having a heart attack But this stress would soon seem like Nothing, Compared to what we was about to go through.

Nothing could had ever prepared my husband and I for the news that came in SEP. if you have read my last 2 blog post or you know me from face book then you all ready know what this news was.

My Nephew Joel Nathan Davis our youngest nephew who had just turned 19 years old on April 1st had shoot him self  attempting suicide Just 7 years after my big brothers Suicide and used my brothers gun.  He was rushed to the hospital and placed on Life support.

I felt shock I felt numb I felt mad ( not at Joel ) but the reason behind why he did it. I felt heart broken I never in a million years thought we would ever be back to this place again dealing with Suicide and never imagine  it would be my nephew.

The moment I saw him laying in that bed for the 1st time My heart just sunk  I have a heard time showing my emotions or crying in front of others But deep with in my heart I was crying. I prayed for God to give us all a Miracle to allow Joel to live and be healed.

I prayed over Joel I even talked to Joel I felt he could here me I told him just how much I loved him I told him that if he needed to go to heaven and be with his grandpa and his uncle that it was ok to rest that I wasn’t mad at him. at the same time I told him I needed him to fight. I held his hand and told him every one loved him.

Deep down I was trying to have some kind of Faith that God would heal him But little by little we knew in our hearts soon Joel would leave us. on SEP 11th  5 days after being on Life support my brother and his wife made the heart braking choice no parent should ever have to make. To take him off life support I got to see Joel 2 more times

I told Joel it was ok to go home to heaven I told him that even though I could not be in the room with him that I would not leave his side I would be in the waiting room that this was not good bye at all it was just See you later. Joel had tears in both eyes I felt in my heart he knew I was there. My husband made it up in time to go back and see him to pray over him and talk to him.

that Night My brother his wife and 2 other kids went back in the room with him and took the life support off they was there as he took his last breath. Joel became a Hero by organ donation Joel saved the Lives of 3 people.

losing Joel has been hard on all of us he was the baby boy of our family. I think a big part of me died along with him nothing any one says or does can ever heal my broken heart nothing can ever take this pain away from me. I don’t just feel the loss and pain but watching my big brother go through the loss of his son and my sister in-law brakes me even more because I hurt for them I hurt for my niece and nephew who now have to live with the loss of a brother to suicide like me and there dad has also had to.  There is nothing I could do to ever take that pain from them either.

Our family is so broken right now. and yet we feel so blessed to have had Joel to have those memories to have been able to Love him He was a gift from God he had such a beautiful and kind loving heart. We are blessed to know that a part of him will live on in the people whos lives was saved by his organs. We are blessed at all the kindness and love that has been given to our family at this time some by strangers who didn’t even know us or Joel.

As Wynonna Judd says I am Broken but I am Blessed I feel like this has become my Quote this year because it is very much true.

Just when we didn’t think this year could get any worse it seem like those we love who are our friends was also losing there loved ones around us there hearts was being broken. A friend of ours lost her mom another a grandma one a sister

And then a little girl we have come to love and support since she was 8 years old Lost her battle to a  Condition she was born with called battens she was 17 years old but had the sweet innocence of a child. once again our hearts been broken. My heart brakes so much for her mom and dad who are going through what my brother and his wife are the loss of there sweet child.

And at the moment another child we have come to love since he was 2 years old he is now 18 is not doing well at all and our heart is braking for what he is going through. once again asking God for a miracle.

With all the heart brake this year has brought our way it has tested my Faith to the very Core I have had to lean on God to help me and yet at times I have question God and his will. I have lost a lot of Faith sadly But I also have gained some to if this even makes since at all.

Nov 3rd my husband and I went down to Branson MO we needed this get away we needed to just get away from Life from stress from it all and renew our minds It did my heart good through I admit when we went out to diner the 1st night there a song came over the speakers and I ended up braking down running to the bathroom and crying.

on NOV 4th while in Branson MO we meet up with some Friends at a Wynonna Concert we had front row. Music and good Friends did my heart a lot of Good for 2 hours I was able to just enjoy my self. to laugh to sing and to just be in the moment I felt peace Music is a healer Wynonna even sing Love can build a bridge I was so happy to here her sing that one.

That day was a day I needed.  Good music Good friends. We came back home on the 5th so it was just a 2 day get away but it was nice.

This year was not all heart brake a big part of it was through. But I have meet a new friend through Wynonna from wales who also lost a son It has been very nice being able to make a new friend shes been a big blessing in my life and I would be lost with out her ( if your reading this you know who you are ) my life has been blessed so thank you for being here for me.

My Aunt Sandi who I had not seen in over 10 long years flew in form CALIF she sadly was not here long but we got to see her and go out to dinner and talk seeing her made me Happy and brought grate Joy in to my life where all there was. was sadness and lost hope. So getting to see her an her husband truly did my heart Good I love her so much.

I have also got to meet up with friends who I meet for the 1st time at the Wynonna show they are very beautiful ladies 🙂 the friendships this year has touched my heart.

My cousin Haylee ( who I always thought of as a niece ) had her 1st baby a little girl born not to long ago.

And my husbands Niece Has twin boys so we became an Grate aunt and uncle of 2 little boys in NOV.

We also found out in NOV that I am now 8 years out from Cancer all my test came out clear I celebrated  8 years of remission and 3 years since I was told I was Cancer free.  and for those who has battled Cancer those yearly test is something BIG to celebrate we thank GOD each day he was with me and that I am still here to even celebrate these mile stones.

We also Have a Sponsored child through compassion international we love all the letters she sends to us and she loves the ones we send to her she has touched our hearts and we are so proud of all she has been doing she is a blessing to us and it has blessed our lives. We take a lot of Joy in this little girl.

So as you can see some Good things has happen in our lives as well

This is why I have Adopted Wynonna Judd’s Quote  ( my Life is broken but it is blessed )

2018 was a night mare for many of us it was a hard year it was a year of heart brake all around us it was a year full of stuff I wish none of us would have had to go through.

As we look forward to 2019 we do not know what it may bring, We know like each year it will be a Journey and as Wynonna also says  I want to be better and not biter for my journey. that is also what I pray for over my own journey.

I may not know where Life will lead or take us in 2019

But it is my prayer for not just my own Family but for each and every one of you that 2019 will be filled with Strength,  Peace, Faith, Hope and Happiness and Love. I pray for healings over Body, Mind and Spirt I pray for God to guide each one of us to be beside us each step of the new year. and I pray for a over all Good year for you all.

So let us look forward to a new year a new start and let us thank God each day for giving us the Gift of Life.

As we head in to 2019 Please Be Loving, and Kind to even Strangers you meet do not Judge others do not tear them down for mistakes they make Instead lift them up with your loving and kind words and acts of Kindness Be positive even in at negative  time. And Please Be kind to your self take care of you self care is not selfish reach out when you need help YOUR life does mater it does have worth you are loved and your here for a reason.

May each of you have a very blessed and peaceful New year

Happy new year 2019

From April Lorey

 

Joel’s story From a aunts point of view

 

As I set here the past few weeks and think over all my family has gone through with the Death of my Nephew Joel I am still trying to even process it. Joel was the baby boy of our family we have had no other boys born since Joel in our family it has all been girls in 19 years.

As a aunt I have so many memories of Joel what I am about to write is not his full story at all But it is just some of it according to my own memories I want the world to know the real Joel Not what the Media tried to make him out to be but the Real Joel Nathan that we all know and that we all Love. So here we Go.

the year was 1998 My sister in-law and brother had 1 daughter and 1 son they was not planning to have any more children they had one of each and that was perfect. But GOD had of course had something much Bigger planed.

My sister in-law called to give us the news that She was excepting baby # 3 of course I was so excited and over filled with joy that I would be an aunt for the 3rd time. My Dad was outside drinking a beer at the time when I told him the news, he thought I was just joking and told me to stop joking.

When he knew for sure I was in deed not joking around. He told me I want what you and your mom and randy and Tanya all have My dad drank his last beer He came to church that very Sunday and accepted Christ in to his heart.

He had told me this baby was a sign from God and had this not happen he would had never gone to church with us on Sunday.

I knew from that moment that God had big plans for this baby I just did not know what at the time.

We was told the baby was for sure a Girl I was so excited and I gave my sister in-law a baby shower it was of course all Girl stuff everything in Pink they even had the name picked out.

My Dad kept saying the baby was going to be a Boy that the doctor was wrong it was not a girl I had a dream one night that it was a boy but thought No way this baby is not a boy its a girl.

Turns out Both Grandpas My dad and Tanyas dad felt it was a boy.

on April  1st 1999 My Nephew Joel Nathan Davis came in to this world when the DR told them the baby was a boy they thought for sure it was a April fools Joke. I always say Joel played the 1st April fools joke by being a Boy.

The cord had been wrapped around him But by Gods grace he was ok. From the moment I saw my Nephew and held him in my arms I had a bound with this little baby boy.

I was so in love with my Nephew he had my heart. I was 18 years old when he was born. Being a Aunt was my Life I loved every moment of being an aunt to all three Aimee, Jesse and Joel, I baby set for all three of them every chance I got even spending the night a lot with them.

all three kids would come to church with us I was blessed to teach nursery so Joel was in my class by the time he was 4 I asked him if he wanted Jesus to live in his heart he said Yes I asked him if he knew what that meant and he said yes it means I get to live in heaven with Jesus The kid was so smart. I prayed the prayer with him and he accepted Christ in his heart he was so excited he told all the nursery workers what he had just did.

There was no Grater Joy as his aunt then to be the one who lead him in that prayer of course I knew he was only 4 and that later in life as he grew older he might go forth a 2nd time and do it again when he could understand a lot more. But it brought me such grate Joy knowing I as his aunt and teacher in nursery installed this in him from such a young age.

as a baby and young child hood Joel was such a sweet little guy he had his grandpa Randy’s Heart of gold and compassion for others.

Joel loved every one around him some of the most sweetest moments when he was a baby was rocking him to sleep as he held his blanket and sucked his Thumb I loved to sing softly to him bible songs and some times songs I just made up I could hold him for hours as he slept.

As he got older I enjoyed the nights I spent with just him and me together he would talk about a lot of stuff from heaven to the Bible to his Fav toys and cartoons . He was such a sweet and loving little boy.

in 2004 we lost my dad to a heart attack Joel was just 5 years old I will never forget holding him up to my dads casket to say good bye it broke my heart so deeply. Joel knew his papa had gone to heaven and he said I love you grandpa ill see you in heaven. ( never did I think that 14 years later at the age of 19 Joel would see his papa again. but now those words play out in my mind.

My husband and I would take jesse and Joel a lot over night and some times we would just do one on one time with each boy as well. One day I bought Joel a box of cup cakes and took him to the park and

he said to me Aunt April you always Spoil me and it dawn on me that it wasn’t money or big things at all the Kid thought he was spoiled because I bought him treats and rented movies or took him to the park at times out to eat or a movie. He was grateful for every small thing he had such a grateful heart. He was always giving me hugs.

Joel didn’t care who was around he was always giving Hugs and telling you just how much he loved you.

One time My husband and I took Joel to a park close by our house. Joel started to talk to the children there He told them about the Love of God he had no fear in him at all he just started to tell them that no mater what they do that God loved them he told them about Jesus and what he had done for them. I was so proud of this kid for sharing his Faith with out any fear

Then the moment happen that made us all laugh a boy about his age asked Joel if he was catholic Joel looked the kid right in his eye and said NO I am just a American my husband and I laughed because it was so cute and next we know Joel starts laughing I am not so sure the kid knew what to think about that LOL .

one time later on I think he was around 12 I went camping with them it was late at night and Joel David and I was alone with him. He asked me some Questions about my dad his grandpa and his grandma ( I wont post that here it was privet talk we had )

but what I can share is he said Aunt April I wish I could Remember Grandpa this of course broke my heart then he smiled big and said I Do Remember how he always gave us crackers this made me smile as well He then gave me a big hug and said I love you aunt April. Of course this talk me and him had warmed my heart up.

I was so grateful for this time I had with Joel just us talking late at night in fact it may just have been one of the best times I had camping with my brother I felt as if I grew closer to Joel.

You could not be around Joel and not help but smile or laugh he just had away of making you feel Loved  it was just one of many gifts God had gave to him Much like his baby cousin Allison Hope infect the 2 kids was so much like it amazed me.

From a very young age of 6 Joel had a love and passion for America he wanted to be a Solder he wanted to fight for our country he wanted to be a marine Like his Grate grandpa on his moms side. This was a strong passion Joel had that never left him.

I never wanted to be that Aunt that lived to far from her nieces and nephews but in 2012 I moved over a hour away and sadly started to see less of the kids I hated every moment of it because the kids was my world. I love them so much more then I think they will ever know.

But every time I got to see them and spend time with them Joel no mater How old he got would still give me some of the biggest Hugs he did not just Hug me once he would hug me a few times. When ever I was with Joel I felt the Love of God shine right through him.

in 2017 Joel made a Mistake we all make mistakes in life But this mistake would be played out in the Media there was so many who bullied Joel online this caused my nephew so much pain I prayed every day for him I asked God to help Joel to stay strong.

this brings us back to a few weeks ago when my big brother called me to tell me that Joel had shoot him self in attempted Suicide he used my brother his uncles Gun who had took his own life just 7 years before.

My heart was so broken and still is. On Sep 11th the life support was shut off and Joel flew home to Heaven. If you wish to see what all happen that lead up to that my feelings of seeing Joel and the prayers I said over him Please go back to my Blog in titled Know your worth and read it.

Joel wanted to be a hero he wanted to save people and He Did  You see before Joel was ever born His grandpa Davis gave his life to Christ because he said this baby ( Joel ) was a sign from God. and from all the story’s I have heard he helped so many people who was going to end there life to change there mind and because of that they are still here with us today.

and in death he became the Hero to 3 people his kidneys and liver Saved them He became a real Hero.  I only Wish all those who bullied Joel and made him feel like he was worthless and made him feel his Life was not worth living would see the REAL JOEL. The sweet loving and caring Joel that we all know and love.

I wish they could see that a Mistake is not who a person is we all do things we are not proud of we all fall and make mistakes but this is not who they are.

God made Joel Nathan he designed him and molded Him he had a plan for his life a path only Joel could full fill. Even In death people still Bullied him I only wish we had tighter laws and that bullies didn’t get away with it. I wish the media would have left him alone.

you see to his friends and family we didn’t see Joel for his mistake or what he did We Saw Joel for who he truly was a guy that would do anything he could to help any one out. A guy whos heart was so much bigger then this world He loved So deeply. he had a gift to love from the moment he was born.

I gave him the nick name Sweetie Pie at Birth and never did I imagine just how true that nick name would be he truly was a sweetie pie.

There is so much more I could share or write about my Nephew but my main goal is I just want people to know the real Joel. the loving and sweet and caring Joel not the Joel the media made him out to be.

As long as I shell live I will preach Joels Message and that is to Know your worth.

I think I will end this here because I could go on for hours

Joel Nathan Davis I love you so much you will always be my little Sweetie Pie

I look forward to the day we meet again in heaven until then I will hold you forever in my heart Rest in peace and fly high with the angels

God bless

From Joel’s Aunt April.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Know your worth.

Know your worth is now words close to my heart. this will not be a easy Blog for me to write in fact I was not even sure if I felt like it But God placed it on my heart to write. So here I am on my note book writing.

It has been a very hard 2 weeks or so for my family. My Nephew Joel Nathan ( my brother Randy Jr’s Son ) Attempted Suicide and was placed on Life support. at first they told us it was 50/50 he could go either way. The very moment I walked in to the room and saw my nephew laying there My heart just went Numb I was so broken inside.

Memories of Joel’s birth kept flooding my mind and then his child hood. I didn’t just see a 19 year old young men who was over 6 foot  tall I saw my baby Nephew the little baby who had my heart from the moment I was told I would be  a aunt for the 3rd time.

I saw the little boy I would Rock to sleep as he sucked his thumb and held his blanket. I saw the little boy who gave the worlds best Hugs. I saw the little Boy whos smile could light up any room. I saw the little boy I would Spoil and let stay up late and eat Junk because that is what aunts do.

I saw the little boy who had no fear at the park as he told all the kids about Gods love. I saw the little boy I had the honor to teach in nursery at church. I saw the little boy that at the age of 4 years old I lead in a prayer who gave his life over to God.

I saw My little Boy My youngest Nephew who I loved so very much it all came flooding in my mind. When I was in the room with him with just me and my mom I laid my hands on Joel and I prayed for a Miracle to happen. Just the same way he did for me when I had cancer and was in the hospital.

the 3rd time I went back I told Joel how much I had loved him I prayed I thanked God for the miracle of Joel’s life and for giving us this beautiful miracle 19 years ago and I prayed for God to heal him. I told Joel that we all needed him here with us and we needed him to fight.

But then I did the hardest thing as an aunt I had ever had to do. I told Joel it was ok if he needed to Go and that he needed to rest. I told him as much as we needed him here with us It was ok to Let go that we was not mad at him in any way I told him it was ok to go to heaven and see ( his grandpa ) my dad and his uncle Chris my brother who had died 7 years before by suicide. and to see Jesus. I noticed Joel had tears in his eyes. I also noticed he kind of moved his arm I truly felt that was a sign.

by the 6th time I saw him I knew it would be the very last time I would see him it was my husbands 1st time to get to go see him and talk to him He also prayed over Joel. I told Joel this is not good bye I will never say good bye it is just See you later  I told him I would see him again in heaven. I told him Grandpa and uncle Chris was waiting for him.

I told him that I would Not leave him that even through I could not stay by his bed side I would be out in the waiting room and that I was there for him, I kept my word I was there the moment my Nephew was Born and I was there at 9:47 pm on Sep 11th when my Nephews Life support was shut off and he took his very last breath ( I may not have been in the room But I was there )

When they gave us the news he was gone I cried in to my husbands arms I cried and felt so broken when we left that hospital I told my husband I feel so Empty inside He said he did as well.

Joel saved the lives of 3 people with his liver and kidneys So while our family was so broken over our loss 3 family’s rejoiced because there Family Member’s was given life back. and in  away we rejoiced because a part of Joel Lives on.

there is so much more to my nephews story and as days go by I will share in my blog a little more. so you can all understand more.

But right now I want to share Joels Message with ever one and that is KNOW YOUR WORTH. It is something my big brother installed in each of his 3 children and Joel held those words in his heart. But he just could not fight those Demons. Much like My big brother who took his life 7 years before.

Here is part of my own story I battled those very same demons for a very long time going way back to age of 10 years old. After my big brother Chris died I put on  a smile for every one I didn’t want any one to know the dark hole I was even in I came so close to ending my own life and that is when I Got help and for  a long time it truly did work.

but the last 3 months I felt my self going back to a very dark place I felt worthless, I felt so alone, I felt like I was nothing more then a burden on every one around me. I only see my family once or twice a year no one truly comes to visit me I know I live over a hour away.

But I allowed the Demons to tell me lies like no one wants you around your just a burden on every one. No one truly cares about you and if you died you would not even be missed you have nothing left in this world to live for so just do it get it over with. all kinds of this stuff was going through my mind over and over again I am always sick and that took a toll on me as well. I felt as if I was no Good to no one.

I told my husband i was better off gone that no one truly loved or wanted me. I was in a very dark place and less then 2 weeks later we got the phone call about Joel no one knew beside my husband that I felt that way. When I saw my Nephew Laying there it changed me it changed my life I thought how could I do that to my family ? how could I make them go through that again ?

Then my brother posted on FB the drawling my Nephew did ( it wasn’t his own design ) but it was something he drew and that was to know your worth those little words and Joel changed my thoughts I came out of that dark place

You see EVEN when you feel down when your in such a dark place you feel and think you are worthless and the demons are telling you that your life is a waste that your no one and nothing and that no one cares or even loves you at all. Those are all LIES from the very pits of Hell

Truth is YOU ARE WORTH a lot. God made you. Your his art work his master design he Designed you with a Plan and only YOU can fulfill that plan for your life He loves you so much more then you may ever know. He loves you just the way that you are he made you the way you are for a reason.

No mater what mistake you made in life no mater what you did that you may think is wrong there is NOTHING you can do that will ever take GODS love away from you. YOU ARE WORTH ALOT. You are not worthless you are worth so much to those around you even if your like me and do not see it Suicide may end the pain but it puts the pain on those you love.

Do not allow any one tell you what your worth But know your worth. any one who puts you down needs to be cut out of your life like weeds they are not worth your time. We also need to be very careful on what we feed our soul from the music we choose or the books we read or shows or movies we may watch.

We should only listen to, Read or watch or be around those who are positive and going to lift us up in life Not tear us down and make us feel weak and powerless.

So Please take a stand today in Honor of Joel and all those who lost there battle with Suicide and don’t just write the words  or say them. BUT truly LIVE by these words

KNOW YOUR WORTH

You are loved

God bless

April Lorey

PS feel free to share this Blog post if you wish thanks.

 

Mothers day for Angel moms

 

Mothers day for the Angel mother. Empty arms, No hugs to be found, No Children running and playing No laughter to be heard. No Baby to awake for her or his morning feed, No Children to wish her a happy mothers day, The world don’t count has as a mother infect she goes unforgotten by so many, No one will wish her a happy mothers day. She sets all alone and often times might set by her baby’s grave with tears of sadness Pain feels her heart. Nothing left but empty dreams and promises. Empty Arms and Empty house. All she wishes for is to be with her Angel baby, She Feels so lost and so very alone. All she wants is for the world to know that she is still a mother, She is strong and she is brave, She may not mother the way a woman would who has kids on this earth but she Still mothers who baby who is gone, She does all she can to keep there memory alive and to honor her baby that she had for such a short time. She just wants you to say happy mothers day to her and count her as one. Say the name of her baby/babies and don’t forget She carried Life in her womb. People forget why Mothers day was started. A lady wanted to honor her mom who lost a child Yet the world don’t care the true meaning behind it. Every where she looks she sees mothers being celebrated Tv Adds, Online, In stores a Magazine, TV Shows and woman around her and yet still she goes unnoticed by every one, Her heart is braking she longs to hold her Child, The tears will flow the empty feeling will stay it never goes away it will be with her until one day she meets her sweet child again in heaven. Mothers day for an Angel baby is so very hard for so many reasons. So this mothers Day Please Take notice of a mom with out her child, Wish her a happy mothers day and show her love and support say her children’s name for this is all she is asking for, She wants no pity Just support and Love and for you to notice that just because they are not here She is Still a Mother. To All Angel Mothers who lost a child no mater what age or stage your still a mother HAPPY MOTHERS DAY YOU ARE LOVED. Please feel free to share this with others.

Written by April M. Davis-Lorey

May 12th 2018

Saying Good bye

Isabell ( Bell ) Grace was Born on July 4th 2005 We adopted this sweet Girl in 2007 From Indianola Iowa. She was such a Sassy little lady. She brought us so much Joy and Love and healing in 2004 I had lost my unborn baby who was Due on July 4th 2005. the very date Bell was born. When we found out her Birthday we just knew she was ours.

This sweet princess didn’t take to long to warm up to us. We was in love with her from the moment we saw her. Bell is a Himalayan Mix ( meaning not pure bread ) but she was mixed She was so beautiful. She was very Independent She loved to play but on her own, She also was not a Lap cat but if you was laying on the floor she wanted to lay right beside you or if you was on the bed she would come up and lay there.

She loved to be brushed ( groomed ) and if you would do it she could set there for hours just being brushed Bell was more then just some Cat or a pet those who don’t have a pet would not understand but they truly become our Children ( fur babies )  and best friend.

I went through baby loss, Cancer the death of my big brother and so much more and Bell grace was always right there beside me She loved to talk to you in her sweet little Voice and I loved to talk right back to her. She had a Soul that was so very beautiful.

She loved her baby brother Simon Peter And of course she made sure he knew she was the Boss and Princess of the house. She also was a daddy’s girl She loved her daddy so very much. We had her spoiled

I could write all Day about Bell there are so many wonderful things about this sweet girl She would had turned 13 in July.

last year she showed signs of becoming sick she had a lot of weight loss But she showed no signs of slowing down she eat and played and was just fine other then weight loss. But some how I just knew in DEC it would be her last Christmas with us and that broke my heart. She how ever showed me no signs she was ready to go

In April of 2018 we talked and I said when she shows me the signs she is ready then we will know. On may 2nd 2018 Bell Suffered what we think was a very small seizure she fell over and her paw was shaking She didn’t seem to be able to walk at all this was braking our hearts

we have no 24 hour vet here so we had to wait until the Morning to get her help, Then she got up the best she could and ate some she even Jumped up on the bed one last time  in a very playful way I was getting mixed signs from her not knowing that is until the wee hours of may 3rd where she fell over on her back and suffered another Seizure   this time it last longer she was shaking when she tried to get up she kept falling over she was not her self and while she was drinking some and had soft kitty food I knew in my heart this was it

We called the vet around 8 am when they open and explained what was going on. And we knew we had to take her in to be put to sleep. I always said I would go and be in the room but now that this day had come I knew I could not handle it so I had my husband go instead.

we said our good byes and I cried I kept telling her I was not doing this because I did not love her I was doing it cause I loved her I felt such guilt in my heart if only I could do something to make her feel better.

But in my heart I knew what was best for her I told her I had loved her and my husband took her He said she stayed very clam until it was over she died in his arms.

Now here we are trying to  adjust to life with out our sweet Bell and I just don’t know how any of us can cope with out her.

Our cat Simon calls out to her He keeps looking for her and keeps crying he is not him self at all.

All of us feel so alone and so empty at the moment I truly wish our fur babies could live forever.

I wish she never had to cross the rainbow bridge I miss Bell so much and saying Good bye to my little princess was not at all easy making a choice to put them to sleep is never easy at all I prolonged it as much as  I could but in the end I knew it was for the best .

My heart is broken so much right now.

Bell you are missed baby girl you are loved and forever your paw prints will be on our hearts until we meet again in heaven we will always love you sweet princess.

Rest in heaven baby girl.

For now this is all I will write

From one broken hearted momma

April Lorey

The Christian Walk

When we first come to Christ and start to walk with him it is a very exciting time in our life. We read everything we can read from the Bible to books on how to grow in our walks with Christ We start to change in a lot of ways, Because once we was blind Living our life the way we wanted and living for our self we didn’t have any guilt or any one to tell us what we was doing was wrong. We didn’t give account to any one.

But once we come to Christ we can now see. We see things that are wrong we start to see the sin in our life and we start to change giving up old ways and old bad habits. We start taking off the old cloths and replacing it with new cloths. We become Changed because we are now a child of God.

Yet we take notice that the Christian walk is not an easy one because before we come to Christ the Devil has us right where he wants us living for the world instead of God. But once we live our life for God.

We notice That the Devil will come along side us and bring every temptation he can throw at us. And yes we will fall many times we will fall in to temptations we all fall short of the glory of God but much like when we learn to ride a bike we fall and get right back up, so it is with our walks with Christ we will get right back up and get back on the right path and do it all over again if we fall.

Walking with Christ is the most rewarding thing in this life yet it can be the most hardest as well. Not only will we be tempted with all kinds of stuff But we will be spit on by none Christians who don’t understand our walk or faith many will make fun of you. Many will try to change you many Christians have been murdered and Abused because of there Faith in Jesus.

We must remind our self’s  of this bible passage

 John 15:18-25 NIV

18 “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. 19 If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. 20 Remember what I told you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’[a] If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. 21 They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the one who sent me. 22 If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not be guilty of sin; but now they have no excuse for their sin. 23 Whoever hates me hates my Father as well. 24 If I had not done among them the works no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin. As it is, they have seen, and yet they have hated both me and my Father. 25 But this is to fulfill what is written in their Law: ‘They hated me without reason.’

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This is a grate reminder that if they hate you they first hated Our Lord. You see what many wont tell you is that the Christian walk is far from easy it is very hard. God never promised us our walks with him would be easy but he did promise he would be right beside us and lead and guide us he would never leave us.

after a few years of being a saved Christian we will notice we Go dry in our walks with God, When we first are saved we are on fire for Christ we have a passion and strong Faith. But as we grow in our walks we can become weak Because Life will throw things at us maybe it is death of loved ones maybe its loss of job maybe you lost a child ( as I did )

there are so many things in this life that can bring us down even having negative people Around you who tear you down instead of build you up maybe a sickness such as cancer. No mater what it is Life is a roller costar with many ups and downs to it.

Slowly we stop going to church and we stop reading our bible and even stop praying we go through a dry period in our walk our Faith is very weak. This is when we need to have positive Christian friends in our life who will hold us accountable who will lift us up and pray for us when we are weak. Call a pastor and maybe go in to talk with him to get advice and help with our walks with Christ.

You will find that through years much like with life our walks with Christ will have Up times where we are on fire for Christ and it will have down times where we feel so weak

the highest praise we can give God is when we are in those very dark moments in life. to praise Him even in the bad times or when we are in a dark place.

When we are in those dark moments the Devil likes to come in and attack us at our weakest Moments I have been there so many times in my own walk he would love nothing more then to destroy us.

The devil hates it when we walk by Faith he hates when we live for Jesus so he is working over time to bring us down.

He will tell us all kinds of lies such as You are not worthy of Gods love you are worthless No good your going to hell anyways so you might as well live for the world and do your own thing. These are just some of the lies he will speak to you.

In those moments I like to put on praise and worship  And get in to deep prayer you see the Father is there all along ready to welcome you back with open arms.

You are not worthless God did not make Junk When he made you he had a plan for your life there is only ONE you and he loves you so very much just the way that you are. you are Gods beautiful art work his master piece.

Our walks with Christ will always go up and down if you are at this place in your life where your not on fire for Christ I would love to encourage you to dig deep in to Gods word and to go deep in to prayer tell God how you feel tell him any hurt or anger you have and just pour your heart out before the Father.

Also I would love to encourage you to have brothers and sisters in Christ around you who can lift you up and hold you accountable also talk with your pastor who can also help you.

If you have negative people in your life even family member’s who bring you down Place them in Gods hands pray for them But cut all ties off from them get them out of your life because you do not need this in your life.

Each morning when you get up Thank God for another day of Life and speak positive things over your life. tell the Devil to back off and tell your self you are worth Gods love pray in the morning and read Gods word and do it again before bed if you can do it through out the day I know life gets busy but we must always make time for God we need to draw close to him as he will draw Close to us.

it is my prayer that each one of you will grow closer to God and that in your darkest moments You will call out to God and that he will give you peace and joy.

I hope this blessed some one who needed this message.

Until next time May God bless you

April Lorey.