Photo ( April and Christian in oct of 2004 )
National Infertility Awareness Week.
This week is a week to bring awareness to Infertility. Many couples like my self are faced with the fact that having a baby just dont come easy. It is a roller coaster of emotions for many men and woman. One in eight couples suffers from the pain of infertility. Many will suffer in silence many will not speak of the pain they are going through . infertility affects the reproductive systems of both women and men infertility is defined as the inability of couples to achieve pregnancy after 1 year. Some couples will seek out help some will be blessed with there Miracle babies. Some Will go through miscarriage’s or still birth some may never be blessed at all with children. It is so heart braking to face.
Since this is infertility week I would share a part of my own story.
Many of you all ready know part of my own story. But i will share it again in hopes that some of it may help another couple who is faced with what i have been.
My journey started in 2004 i was 24 and newly married excepting my first baby I was so happy and could not wait to tell people. Sadly at about 5 weeks in to it we lost our sweet baby. we tried again but it took 10 months before i would find out again and yet again at 5 weeks i lost the baby.
Once again my husband and I tried but this time it did not happen after about 1 year my family doctor had me see a fertility Doctor. This was so hard for me to admit to my family doctor that we had tried for well over a year and could not have a child. she was so kind and loving to me.
We started to see the fertility doctor in 2006. We talked over a few treatments and cost of those treatments that no medical insurance would cover the cost of it. It of course would pay for me to see the doctor and cover all exams i needed and some not all of the test i needed at only 26 years old all of this seemed like a lot to deal with.
She started me on 2 diffrent drugs and told me we could end up with twins or more she wanted to be sure that i was ok with more then one baby. Of course i said YES it would be grate to have twins or even more.
My medical insurance of course would not pay for the drugs so we paid out of pocket for them my husband had 2 Jobs at the time so we could afford to cover the cost of these drugs.
We would buy the Home test we had days when we thought this was it for sure and we would test only to find out the test was negative each time was painful to me i felt like my body was failing me i felt i was failing my husband I felt so angery so bitter so sad so mad.
I started to lose all Faith that it would even happen for us. SO many Questions of WHY ? Why me did i do somthing so wrong God would not give us a child ? Little by little My faith started to go lower. every one around us was having babies so why was my body doing this why was it failing me ?
a 3rd drug was added in to the mix i was told it would help things along of course all the added hormone’s i feel damaged my body. I started to have a lot of pain in the lower tummy from these drugs it felt like sharp pain.
My husband and I talked if we should still stay on them. it was nothing to do with the money at all through it did cost a good amount and my husband was working 2 Jobs to make this happen. But we felt the drugs just simply was not working for us we had been on them for months and my body felt so out of place I felt strong pains in my Womb.
It had dawn on me she never tested my husband to make sure all was ok on his end. So we had to fight her on it this doctor seem to be all about money and didnt care much for us. She did test my husband but said he had some kind of infection and he would need to go on meds to clear this up and get a re test for it of course this was also all out of pocket.
It is not cheep when you add it all up. How ever we did not care about the money part of it all if it ment in the end we had a little Miracle in our Arms.
i of course did stay on the three drugs for a little longer but when the pain kept hitting me hard in my womb I made the choice of going off all 3 of the drugs i told the doctor they simply was not working for us.
She said the next step for us was to go see a doctor in Iowa city. and to try IVF and she told me this would cost a lot of money so of course we told her we wanted to go off the treatments and for a while see what happens before we try the IVF.
in the mean time the pain i was in was a lot we had to fight her to do a Dye test. she found a lot of cyst and what she said was tumors when i asked what she plan to do about them she said Nothing becasue you guys cant afford it. At this point i told her we wanted somthing done about this pain of course she did not care.
It was so emotional i felt as if she only cared for those who could pay for the higher treatments and test. And not about me.
My husband and I went home we tried again on our own for 2 more years i can not express to you the bitterness that grew in my heart the pain the hurt of it all i wanted to just give up on it all. My husband had Faith he told me it would happen when it was ment to happen. But all i could do when my husband was at work and not around was cry. I cried so much i could not cry any more.
We had countless of times where i missed my period we waited for few weeks then tested only to get a negative test I felt so mad why could i not have a baby why is my body failing, My body was maid to carry life to give birth to a baby and yet my body was not doing any of this i felt like we had no Answers as to why this happen to us ?
When i see woman with there babies my heart broke because i longed to hold my own baby. i felt so alone in all of my feelings. And i know my husband who was strong for me was feeling so broken inside as well he wanted to be a daddy so much it hurt him i could see it in his eyes.
In many cases this is enough to brake any couple up because they do not know how to cope with this or how to cope with it together many days i got mad as he had such strong faith and mine was so weak i could not see past my own pain. i lacked to see the love my husband had even through it effected him just as much. i grew a bitter heart.
It was in 2008 that made the choice to switch OBYGN doctors to a doctor i trusted he had delivered 2 of my nephews and now grate niece he was one amazing doctor He looked over the report from the last doctor and he said first of all she should never put you on those three drugs until she tested your husband first then she should had done a dye test first she should had done a ultrasound and other test before ever putting you on those drugs.
He said i looked over this dye test and what i am seeing is not a tumor and i am not sure about those cyst. So he wanted to do a laparoscopy to look in to my , uterus So of course i said yes. This thank God was covered we did not have to pay for this how ever if i had to i would have done so in a heart beat.
After i had the laparoscopy when i was still in recovery room he came back and smiled he said nope there was no tumors he then said my tubes had been twisted from the miscarriage i had in 2005. so he un twisted my tubes he said most people do find they become pregnant right away if we did not we would come back to speak about the next step going in for IVF.
This time i felt good about things i felt like there was Hope after all. When we took the home test it came out postive i was so shocked that i took 3 more just to be sure. In deed we was excepting We was so happy i thought for sure this was our moment our rainbow baby.
due to the loss of the first to at 5 weeks i felt it best not tell any one until around 4 months my husband agreed i just wanted to be sure this baby would be ok. It was hard keeping it in and not telling no one so we ended up telling 1 person who was so happy for us
I got a home Doppler and listen to her heart beat each day it was so strong I talked to my baby i told her to stay safe that mommy loved and needed her so very much. i had back pains and morning sickness kicked in food cravings she was growing every day.
then at about 14 and half weeks along i lost my mucus plug and my waters broke. Rebekah Faith Elizabeth Davis-lorey was born on Oct.11.08 she was so small but so very sweet. My heart was once again broken i felt like i had failed Rebekah and my husband i failed my self.
We Found out i had a bleeding disorder and Rebekah Faith could never had lived through the stress put on to her. In fact no baby could live.
Call me selfish but i felt like we needed to try again right away. and once again we found out we was excepting he had such a strong heart beat i told him momma wanted to meet him so he had to be safe he had to be ok i talked to him much like with his sister i asked him to stay safe.
Everything Seem to be going very well with him i had no real issues he seemed very active with in me He liked to stay up at nights and only craved Candy with this one i knew then he must be like his daddy.
On Easter Sunday April 12th 2009 once again my mucus plug came then my waters broke I placed my own hand under my self and at just 12 and half weeks along i delivered my own son he was so small. Gabriel Andrew Davis-Lorey was born small around 1030 am. I then was rushed to the Hospital where i bleed for over 12 or 14 hours i lost count but my husband said he counted the hours. They refused to do the D&C at that time. Gabriels head was missing part of his brain he was very flat we found out i had a tumor that was smashing down on him.
We set up a visit right away with my OBYGN he said a D&C would need to happen So he got us in one the next day. He said he had found lots of Cyst and at this time what he felt was a bnine tumor ( meaning no cancer ) he said we could keep trying on our own or do IVF or go another route one that would cost us so much money. We made the choice to not put my body through anything more. I knew Gabe was my last baby in my heart. around a few weeks before Gabriels 1st birthday in heaven.
i Lost a lot of blood so much blood they had to give me 2 pints of blood My husband said i got so light headed and past out hitting my head hard on side of tube. I ended up bleeding many hours.
My obygn ordered another D&C to be done and i had it. The doctor him self called me and gave me the news the tumors inside of my womb was in deed Cancer he had me come right in to his office to speak of the next steps. Part of the reason i got it was being over weight but also all the Hormones that was in my body from the treatments trying to help us to have a baby.
I Cried and not out of fear of not knowing my stage of cancer i did not cry for the fact i had cancer i cried because i knew i would never have that child i longed so much to have.
The next steps for me was surgery a few days after my son gabes birthday i had major surgery to remove the cancer that means all was removed. I was stage 1 but grade 2 my tumor was the size of a foot ball i was told. i would under go cancer treatments once my body was healed from the major cancer treatments so 2 months later i started cancer treatments.
I wont go in to details of the cancer but as of July 2010 i went in to Remission and as of July 2015 i was told i was Cancer free.
Now here i am 11 years after my sons birth and death 10 years after my major cancer.
I will never have my own child my babies live in heaven i will see them again i am momma just in a diffrent way. I no longer in bitter in fact i rejoice with woman who have there miracle or who has there rainbow baby it makes my heart so happy to see these sweet babies.
But that dont mean i do not have strong feelings i still have pain i think 10 years from now we should be grandparents i also think of when we dye it will be the end of our line who is gonna remeber me ? who will all my stuff go to when i die.
I have a lot of lost dreams. Watching my daughters grow up and taking them to dance class to watch my sons grow up taking them to base ball games to holding them in my arms to here mama for the 1st time kiss those skin nees watching there first time at school, taking them to church watching the first time they walked or talked high school prom 1st cars there first love there wedding days and grandbabies
We lost out on all this and so much more. people tell you to go off and adopt but it dont work that way i have to many health Issues they dont give kids out nore do we have the money for it. the pain still fills my heart but i am not as bitter over it no longer
Here is a few things to NEVER say to a couple who is facing Infertility because it can damage and hurt them. even if you did not mean it that way.
#1 You two need to work on starting a family soon.
#2 Have you thought of adoptions ?
#3 sorry you miscarried but at least you know you can become pregnant
#4 It seems like it is taking you both forever to start a family maybe you should think about seeing a better doctor.
#5 have you tried IVF or other treatments ?
#6 maybe Gods plan is for you to Not have a baby
#7 Maybe if you lost weight you could have a baby.
#8 Is it your fault or your husbands fault have they tested him ?
#9 Well if God wanted it to happen it would had he must not want you to have a child so just be Happy because he has better things a head.
#10 well now you can just save as you dont have to pay for the treatments no more. # 11 you all ready have an adopted child it is selfish to keep trying for a baby when others cant even adopt.
#12 You have all ready have 1 child be happy some dont even have that.
#14 Your a step parent so in away you do have children.
#15 you have babies in heaven even if they cant be here it is selfish to keep trying when you lost to many babies its unfair to them as well as your husband.
# 16 You need to get over this and move on with your life.
#17 there is more to life then just babies.
#18 Maybe you would be a bad mom that is why God wont give you babies your womb has not been blessed .
#19 You just did not have Enough Faith in God to work a miracle.
#20 Maybe God is sparing you from a baby with life long medical issues so just be blessed with what you got in life.
( these are some of the stuff other moms along with me has heard from many. )
The list could go on. What the couples need is much support and not judgement they need a ear not advice . some one they can cry with and vent to.
There is a high suicidal risk among infertile Woman sadly and even the men. Some may have never acted on this feeling but many sadly have and lost there battle.
Many Couples end up braking up because they can not cope and dont know how to work together through the pain of being infertile
Even through I had all removed and its been 11 years i still go through the pain. The feeling of wanting to be a mom or a dad will never fully go away the pain of all you went through will never leave you.
My journey Is not the same as others we are all on our own Journey and path in life. Many of you will like me suffer misarrange or Still birth. Many will never know what it is like to feel life with in them. But they will have A door open for them to adopt a baby.
Many Like my self Will end up with cancer of the womb and end up having to remove all and like me they will find them self’s with empty arms empty dreams and crushed like me.
Many of you will End up having your Rainbow babie the hope after the storm.
Many of you after many failed test and Many IVF treatments find your self having a miracle baby.
You See Each of us has a story to be told each of us have a diffrent Journey but one thing that ties us all together is the pain, the hurt , the bitterness the longing to hold our babies in our arms to be mothers to be Fathers the roller coaster of mixed emotions this bounds each and every one of us together.
Just because my story if trying for a baby is over Dont mean i dont hurt becasue i do.
My words to each of you who is still fighting your battles.
Never Give up Hope becasue it can happen. keep trying and when you feel tried and run down from all the failed test and all the treatments failing you. Allow your body to take a brake. Pamper your self take a nice bubble bath go get your nails done and just take time for you Breath in and out. it will be ok.
Also Take time for each other take time to love on each other to support each other to pray for each other and to have date nights dont feel guilty this will help you both grow together as a couple do not lose sight of each other or the love you share . Reach out and speak with some one dont carry your pain inside. i been there many times and its not healthy.
I wont tell you every one gets the rainbow baby i wont lie to you becasue truth is not every one will get a baby, But many of you will and i would love to rejoice with those who get there rainbow or miracle child i would love to support you in that.
But I also want to be a support for woman like my self who never will have a child so please reach out to me if you need to talk or vent i am here i always will be here for each of you.
So here is just part of my very long story i may share more later on. but for now ill end here with my story.
May god bless and keep you all may you all be blessed and may we see many miracle and rainbow babies being born this year. but may we also be kind on the woman like me who wont have there dreams come true it is a very dark and lonely road to walk down
So please be kind to the couples around you
May god bless each of you
Please feel free to share this with others
April Marie Davis-Lorey